"Father God, I love you. Why am I afraid? What do I fear? How can I fear when You are with me, knowing You are in me?
As I sit here embracing and contemplating what I’ve just read in Frances J Roberts’ Come Away My Beloved, I breathe in both sighs of longing and expectation – and breathe out yet more questions.
Do I think somehow, I’ll find peace or comfort or freedom of some sort in finding answers? I’m afraid that perhaps I won’t find the answers or that I’m asking the wrong questions. Are You in the answers, or are You there in my questions?
If You’re here in the questions, I don’t feel so hard pressed to find the answers. All I want is You. I want Your peace, Your presence, the freedom found only in You. I am so afraid of not finding You – or of not having You here with me, in me. I find myself caught up in wanting to be sure I look the part, so no one will discover I’m afraid that sometimes, I am not found in You .....
As Your own mouthpiece, Ms Roberts tells me, that as I feel Your pulse, as I lay my head on Your breast and lose myself in You, I will experience resurrection life and peace and joy and that I will receive insight that will give me sustaining strength. But I find myself afraid of ‘doing it wrong.’ Is there even a wrong way to lean into You? Either I think too much or too little of myself to think I can do something wrong that has no way of being done incorrectly.
I’m playing with the word ‘expectations’ – I hear You tell me that they’re all mine, not Yours. You are not burdening me with any expectations – You simply want me to enjoy You. Not to fret, not to worry, not to wring my hands over details that You have completely in Your control.
Complete. I am complete in You. I can rest here, safely and without fear or anxiety.
She writes: ‘You may take the gift of a light and merry heart, for My love dispels all fear and is a cure for every ill.’
I may take this gift? I desire a light and merry heart, I desire not to burden those You place in my path with my petty sorrows, but rather bless them with Your grace, Your mercy and Your love.
Yes, I’ve come here today with expectations Lord. I’ve come with the expectation of finding my freedom in You. I believe I am in You and that You are in me, what am I lacking?
I turn the page – and James 1:5 slaps me in the face, almost playfully. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.’ – She goes on, ‘Apply your heart to learn wisdom. This goal transcends every other aim, and any other good that come out of a pressure period is an added blessing in excess. Seek Me above all else.’
How can I feel so lost and yet expect to help others to find their way to You? My feelings betray me. The enemy of my soul has beguiled me. I pour out my heart to You, oh Lord. Forgive me for allowing the snares of the enemy to entrap me. Suck me into Your Word where I am forever safe.
A few tears, a few rants, a few fits of fear and trembling – and I am safe in You. You are here with me. You are smiling: at me!
I have to laugh here. The very next scripture Ms Roberts takes me to is, Matthew 6:33. I thank You, Lord, for my friend Diane. She gave me this book, now, knowing it contains my hearts cry – and Your cry to my heart. Every other sentence snatches away my breath.
My heart catches as the thought dashes across my mind, seek God? How? How do I seek God? Suck me into Your Word, Jesus!
Clutch my children to Your heart, oh God. How can I possibly think I love them more than You do??? Why do I cry over them, when You oh God, rejoice over them? Why do I grieve, yet You sing and dance over them? Yes, I’m proud of them. I know Your heart protects them, and by Your loving kindness You draw them to Yourself. I trust You with them. That is the bottom line. I no longer shoulder sorrow or apprehension. You oh God love them, treasure them, cherish them, hold them, cover them and protect them. You oh God draw them, You woo them, You test and try them, because You trust them. Why do I cry? Why do I tremble? I have a hard time believing it’s because of lack of trust in You. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. I trust You, help my distrust.
Why this quiet place? Why have I longed to be here with You? You’re everywhere. Will I leave here somehow closer to You? That is my desire. You know the desires of my heart, oh God. You, oh Lord know me inside and out. If You care to know how many hairs are on my head, You surely care about the cares in my heart. I hand them over to You. Here they are Lord. They’re Yours."