Pushing My Way In

(Meme from pinterest.com)

One of my favorite quotes: “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anais

Most of the time, I suppose we create the drama in our own lives – it’s viability is based on our responses to what’s going on around us.

At times of emotional upheaval (which I’m experiencing in overload capacity, lately), I tend to look inward and ponder a plethora of questions about myself. Oftentimes, I look outward and challenge the behaviors of those around me. And sometimes, I mentally or verbally attack those whom I believe are unjustly hurting me; whether I’m actually their target or not.

My energies are probably best served looking inward, because I’m the only one I can truly change. I can make an impact, either positive or negative, on those around me; those who rub me like sandpaper and those who uplift and encourage me. But, we generally change who we are from the inside-out.

Granted, people who lose a lot of weight can respond to the new-found attention they may receive and alter their behavior. But, again, that’s all coming from the inside; their response to that perceived attention. If we were to be the victim of a car accident and lose our legs, that would alter what we can do, or at the very least, how we do it – but if it changes who we are, it’s because of internal responses to what we’ve been through. So literally, the accident can remove my legs, but my response can cripple me.

(photo from mynewnormals.com)

Being transparent here; when I find myself the “victim” of insults or criticism, I tend to want to lash out verbally. And while I may not confront you to your face, my sin will gravitate toward the ugliness of gossip as I tell someone else how cruel you found it necessary to treat me.

I suppose it’s some perverted picture of self-protection, but, clearly it doesn’t actually do any self-protecting. It doesn’t protect anyone. It just passes the hurt along. Someone once said that if I kill you, you die once. If I gossip about you, I can kill you a million times over. Ouch!

In my moments of tenderness and vulnerability, when I ponder who I am and what I’m doing in this great big world, my purpose in being here and how I’m influenced by all of you around me, I find there’s healing that needs to take place on a buried level; I have to search it out.

Only God knows me well enough to navigate the waters of my internal being, so I turn to Him to be my guide, for my own heart can deceive me.

“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.” – 1 John 3:20 (KJV)

(photo from tehcute.com)

I can turn to my friends for support, but only God knows me inside and out, and knows me better than I know myself. Sadly, I often turn to others, expecting them to “fix” me. I know better. I guess turning to others verbally, out-loud, somehow feels like I’m validating my pain. So, I have to ask myself, would I rather think I’m validating my pain, or step into the healing I so badly need?

There’s a song in Psalm 61, I sang it often in years gone by. But, like so many of those songs, I need to dig it out again. You may remember it, too? I’ll share the song version I learned, but the actual scripture is slightly different.

Hear my cry, O God, attend unto my prayer.

From the ends of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

For Thou hast been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy.

I will abide in Thy presence forever, I will trust in the covert of Thy wings.

Hear my cry, O God, attend unto my prayer.

From the ends of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

For Thou, O God, hast heard my cry, Thou hast given me the heritage of Your sons,

I will abide in Thy presence forever, I will trust in the covert of Your wings.

Hear my cry, O God, attend unto my prayer.

From the ends of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

(photo from pbase.com)

Can you relate at all?