Pushing My Way In

(Meme from pinterest.com)

One of my favorite quotes: “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anais

Most of the time, I suppose we create the drama in our own lives – it’s viability is based on our responses to what’s going on around us.

At times of emotional upheaval (which I’m experiencing in overload capacity, lately), I tend to look inward and ponder a plethora of questions about myself. Oftentimes, I look outward and challenge the behaviors of those around me. And sometimes, I mentally or verbally attack those whom I believe are unjustly hurting me; whether I’m actually their target or not.

My energies are probably best served looking inward, because I’m the only one I can truly change. I can make an impact, either positive or negative, on those around me; those who rub me like sandpaper and those who uplift and encourage me. But, we generally change who we are from the inside-out.

Granted, people who lose a lot of weight can respond to the new-found attention they may receive and alter their behavior. But, again, that’s all coming from the inside; their response to that perceived attention. If we were to be the victim of a car accident and lose our legs, that would alter what we can do, or at the very least, how we do it – but if it changes who we are, it’s because of internal responses to what we’ve been through. So literally, the accident can remove my legs, but my response can cripple me.

(photo from mynewnormals.com)

Being transparent here; when I find myself the “victim” of insults or criticism, I tend to want to lash out verbally. And while I may not confront you to your face, my sin will gravitate toward the ugliness of gossip as I tell someone else how cruel you found it necessary to treat me.

I suppose it’s some perverted picture of self-protection, but, clearly it doesn’t actually do any self-protecting. It doesn’t protect anyone. It just passes the hurt along. Someone once said that if I kill you, you die once. If I gossip about you, I can kill you a million times over. Ouch!

In my moments of tenderness and vulnerability, when I ponder who I am and what I’m doing in this great big world, my purpose in being here and how I’m influenced by all of you around me, I find there’s healing that needs to take place on a buried level; I have to search it out.

Only God knows me well enough to navigate the waters of my internal being, so I turn to Him to be my guide, for my own heart can deceive me.

“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.” – 1 John 3:20 (KJV)

(photo from tehcute.com)

I can turn to my friends for support, but only God knows me inside and out, and knows me better than I know myself. Sadly, I often turn to others, expecting them to “fix” me. I know better. I guess turning to others verbally, out-loud, somehow feels like I’m validating my pain. So, I have to ask myself, would I rather think I’m validating my pain, or step into the healing I so badly need?

There’s a song in Psalm 61, I sang it often in years gone by. But, like so many of those songs, I need to dig it out again. You may remember it, too? I’ll share the song version I learned, but the actual scripture is slightly different.

Hear my cry, O God, attend unto my prayer.

From the ends of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

For Thou hast been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy.

I will abide in Thy presence forever, I will trust in the covert of Thy wings.

Hear my cry, O God, attend unto my prayer.

From the ends of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

For Thou, O God, hast heard my cry, Thou hast given me the heritage of Your sons,

I will abide in Thy presence forever, I will trust in the covert of Your wings.

Hear my cry, O God, attend unto my prayer.

From the ends of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

(photo from pbase.com)

Can you relate at all?

What Won't I Look At?

(painting by Sarah Boardman)

Various topics can bring feelings of sorrow or sadness, just as some can bring feelings of joy and anticipation. But, what about when you can’t put your finger on what you’re feeling – or what brought those feelings on in the first place?

Today I looked at an internet piece on emotional eating, it was aimed at readers that may be eating for emotional reasons, not simply because they’re hungry.

Let’s face it, we eat for lots of reasons. There’s an old saying that goes: We are Americans; we eat when we’re not hungry, we drink when we’re not thirsty and we spend money we don’t have. It’s not really a saying that we, as Americans want to aspire to, but, too often, true.

Sometimes we eat because we’re sad. Sometimes because we’re celebrating, sometimes simply because the food is in front of us and we mindlessly put it into our mouths.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, most of the time the things we consume are a conglomeration of toxins we poison ourselves with; not really even food at all.

That brings us around to a topic that should make us sad and even angry.

If we stop and ask ourselves right now, knowing no one but God can hear our thoughts and answers: What emotions am I feeling right now? What answers will we list?

Then if ask why we’re feeling this way? How do we explain ourselves?

Some of us don’t resort to eating, we resort to shopping, or overworking ourselves, or we become addicted to working out, or we gamble or get drunk as often as we can. Why? An attempt to avoid facing something about our lives or ourselves that makes us ache?

What could be so bad about us, or about our lives that we can’t face it? In light of the fact that we’re not facing it alone, but with Almighty God – and all the resources of heaven, shouldn’t it be easier to look in the mirror and see our whole selves? If there’s a change we can make, why not make it instead of running from the reality of the need and hiding behind food or other addictions?

Ponder this with me, if you would. Give me your input, offer up some insight that might help us all. I'm looking for your comments and suggestions. I hope one of my next posts will shed some light on the subject with a mixture of your thoughts and mine.

James 1:22-24  Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  (NIV)

Working On Love

Here’s a familiar verse of scripture, in fact, so familiar, many who don’t know God personally, can quote it better than a line from Shakespeare. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

True, we can replace the word “love” with “God” – because God IS love.

When being honest with myself, if I put myself in place of the word “love”, it goes more like this:

I am often impatient and unkind, I’m rude. If I’m proud and boasting, I don’t even recognize it, so what does that say? I seek liberty for myself above that of others. I’m far too easily angered, even by petty things, I repeatedly rehearse the wrongs of others that give voice to my complaints in life. I could be accused and found guilty of being over-protective at times, yet I can excuse wrongs done, if I’m the one doing them. I’m probably more trusting of people than I am of God. I do hope, but sometimes I wonder if my hope is misplaced. My perseverance can be paper thin. And yes, I fail.

So, though love is in me, I quench it. I look for excuses (and call them reasons) to be selfish with it. But because I’ve invited God to live in and through me, I grow in Him daily, and He grows in me – we’re becoming One. And the more I give place to Him and yield to His love for me, the more He loves through me.

“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.” 1 John 4:7&8 (KJV)

Letting Him love me is key, even when feelings of selfishness or unworthiness try to overtake me; He loves me.

Looking Back?

Recently, whilst talking to God, He spoke a word to me that’s opening up a world of freedom to my weary way of thinking.

To understand this transforming revelation, I suppose it’s necessary to tell you that years back – I turned from God in an ugly way, but this isn’t a confessional and that’s not the direction we’ll go today.

Before I turned my back on Him, I loved the communion we had, the quiet times, the walks, the anointing I knew when I sang publically or taught a class or spoke to a crowd. But all of that changed when I no longer felt worthy of His presence. Forgiving oneself can be incredibly hard, though He gave me His forgiveness in an instant.

Since then I’ve struggled at almost every turn. He’s always been with me; He’s loved me and shared with me. He’s blessed me to be His pen. I love it! But – I’ve wrestled with that issue of worthiness. Truth be known, none of us is worthy of His love – yet He loves us anyway. We’re only made worthy by His grace, His sacrifice. And I know this. But….

The other morning while praising Him and sharing what was on my heart, I told Him, “I wish our relationship was like it was before.” He spoke, “I don’t.” Before His words even began to resonate in my heart, I was flooded with the freedom from needing to ‘fix’ our relationship and trying to make it like it was before. Along with those two simple words, “I don’t” came the understanding that:

*we’re past that

*this is better

*there’s more to come, the best!

*that was only the beginning

*God is always moving in me, growing me and our relationship

*that was just the kiddie pool

*what we had wasn’t what God wanted no matter how ‘great’ it looked to me – He has so much more for me

*I’ve been looking back instead of forward; I need to break off the rearview mirror if necessary

*I need to LET IT GO and move beyond it, He has

Though to all of this it could be said, “Duh!” I needed this nugget of revelation – and I now have it. I’m free to move forward without longing for the past!

While Talking to Myself...

Since I know the Truth, why do I sometimes continue to walk in lies? I suppose it has to do with laziness. Old bad habits require breaking. Just because I learn that exercise is good for me doesn’t mean I’ll automatically get out of bed every morning and throw myself into a workout routine. Just because I learn that consuming ice cream is not good for keeping my weight down doesn’t mean I’ll stop picking up that Snickers ice cream cone from the freezer section at the store before checking out – and eating it quickly before it melts.

So too with learning the truths of God; learning God’s Word isn’t the same as applying it to my life. I need to confront my old attitudes and correct them, making them line up with what God says.

When God says He loves me, I can’t just flippantly dismiss that with a ‘whatever’ rolling of the eyes, avoiding how I feel about it. I need to confront how uncomfortable it makes me when I’m feeling particularly unlovable, instead of allowing my thoughts to wander to something else. Avoiding the issue behind my discomfort forces me to live yet another day in denial of the truths that can set me free.

What am I not willing to look at? My mind – the final frontier?

John Bevere says: "What you do NOT confront - will NOT change." So if it’s change we’re seeking, confrontation is eminent. But we don’t have to fear that confrontation. Jesus will be right there with us every step of the way. We need to uncover and confront the lies we’ve believed. When we find those lies – we need to discover truths to replace them. Those truths are in God’s Word.

If I pout at the mirror and [even subconsciously] say, I’m ugly – God’s Word tells me I’m made in His image! (God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 NIV)

If I wallow in guilt and shame – God’s Word says ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.’ (1 John 1:9 NIV)

More examples next time…..