Mourn - Grieve - and Let Go

 

(picsart .com)

We can all mourn the past we didn't have. 

 

Wishing our lives had been different won't change a thing. Go ahead and grieve for it. You won’t move forward without letting go.

 

To the one whose childhood was too difficult to navigate...

To the child who's felt unloved everyday...

To the one who's never felt they fit in...

To the one who's been neglected and abused...

To the one who's confused and challenging why things have been so hard...

And to everyone else reading:

 

You are seen and you are loved. 

 

"But not the way I've wanted to be", your heart cries. 

 You've been ignored, or worse, scorned. 

 

You've been criticized or cursed. 

 

You've felt completely alone, even when everyone around you seemed to be laughing. 

 

You've been lost and scared, not knowing where to turn or who to run to. 

 

You've knocked on doors that wouldn't open. 

 

You've cried prayers of fear and desperation. 

 

You've seen and felt the emptiness of your heart. 

 

And all you've wanted is to be seen and heard and loved. 

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Don't believe the lie that you are at fault or that you are unlovable. 

 

Don't believe the lie that no one truly cares about you. 

 

Don't believe the lie that you're the only one who's faced these thoughts and feelings. 

 

Don't believe the lie that no one will ever accept you as you are. 

 

 

The very One Who created you has been there every step of the way. 

 

He's been watching you and crying with you and reaching out to you.

 

He's been listening when your heart was breaking, and He heard the sound of every piece crack and fall away. 

 

He's seen every tear fall - and He's caught them all. 

 

He's felt your heartbeat race through all your fear and anxiety. 

 

He's called your name in whispers and shouts throughout every day you've drawn breath. 

 

He's tucked blessings in along the way. Sometimes hidden away for you, sometimes in glaringly obvious places. 

 

He's painted sunsets for your eyes only. 

 

He's showered down rain and sat with you in the puddles. 

 

He's guided you and even led you by the hand for as long as you'd hold on. 

 

He's dropped sunbeams to shimmer on your hair. 

 

He's brought sweet fragrances to tantalize your senses. 

 

He's sung love songs into your ears and wrapped them around your heart. 

 

He's breathed life into your lungs, even when you didn't want to go in living. 

 

He knew you before you were conceived. 

 

He waited with you on endless nights of loneliness and sorrow. 

 

He's pulled back the veil when you wrestled with confusion. 

 

He's held you while you slept, cradling you in His arms, tucking you closely into His heart. 

 

He was the parent your natural parents couldn't be. 

 

 

You can mourn the past you didn't have. 

 

You should. 

 

 

Then release the past to the past and look for the blessings of today. 

 

They're there. 

 

Everywhere. 

 

You'll miss most of them, even when you're intentionally looking. 

 

They're there. 

 

You'll catch a glimpse of one now and then. 

 

As you watch for them, you'll see more of them. 

 

You'll begin to appreciate them and even rejoice in them. 

 

And blessing by blessing you'll let go of yesterday and make something new out of today. 

 

As you listen for His voice, you'll begin to hear His love songs. 

 

As you begin to recognize the presence of the One Who loves you best you'll begin to celebrate moments you use to miss. 

 

Second by second, minute by minute you'll see your life for what it's meant to be, not just as the sum of the hurts that brought you into today. 

 

 

You are more. 

You are loved. You've always been loved. 

You are not alone. You were never really alone. 

You're alive, truly alive. 

 

Your next breath ushers in purpose and meaning that's been there all along. 

 

The only One Who can save us is the One Who loved us enough to create us and give us the chance to fulfill our destiny. 

 

All our mistakes and failures are back there, too - in the past. 

 

 

Today is new. 

 

Today we can choose to listen for His voice.

 

Today we can open our hearts up to His tangible presence. 

 

Today we can sing with Him as He rejoices over us. 

 

And tomorrow, there’s even more.

Outrageous Forgiveness; Unfathomable Love

(gracfs.com)

When I’m listening to a sermon and realize that, again, the pastor is teaching about forgiveness, I’ll admit, there’s a part of me that wants to get up and leave.

But has God ever wasted His time or mine? No.

I know I need to reexamine my heart one more time, each time the topic comes up.

We may hide behind the words ‘unable to forgive’. But God’s Word makes it clear that forgiveness is a choice. He CHOSE to forgive us and expects us to do the same, because along with His outrageous forgiveness comes His unfathomable love.

Again, I read the story of the king who forgave a huge amount of money, the sum of which the debtor could in no way repay. The story is shared by Jesus, Himself. Here’s a link to the story: Matthew 18:23-35

Why would anyone allow a man to amass such great debt that they would never be able to repay it, and then forgive it?

Also, why would a man forgiven of such a great debt hold a small debt against someone else?

Knowing this story points us to God’s great love for us which gives us freedom to choose to turn away from Him.

(clip-artlibrary.com)

To whom do I owe a debt? The bank. Yes, we chose to buy a house. And yes, we’re still paying that mortgage. Thank God, it’s our only financial debt. Though I have heard of it happening, I don’t expect my bank to suddenly announce that my debt has been paid by someone else, or that out of the kindness of their hearts they’ve decided to write off what we owe them.

Yet, I owed a bigger debt, a spiritual debt that I could never pay: I chose to sin.

According to the Bible, the only acceptable payment for any sin is death. “For the wages of sin is death…” - Romans 6:23

That means I would have to die and be separated from God forever to pay for the smallest of the sins I’ve committed. God doesn’t weigh sins as little white lies and big black marks. All sin hurts Him. James 2:10 tells says, “whosoever shall keep the whole law, but yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.”

So, we owe God payment with our lives if we’ve ever sinned at all.

Good news! Romans 6:23 (mentioned above) goes on to say that because God loves us, “the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

“God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not die, but have everlasting life.” – John 3:16

So, this answers the first question; the king, Our King, allows us to choose to sin, and chose to forgive us our unsurmountable debt, because He loves us. Jesus chose to die in our place, as payment for our sins.

(clipartkid.com)

But question number two. Why would one who’s been forgiven such a great debt, a debt that could only be paid by dying and being separated from God for all of eternity – withhold forgiveness from someone else?

Because it hurts. When someone wrongs us, our humanity wants to hold it against them, to hurt them back.

God tells us that this isn’t His way of doing things. He IS love. When He’s forgiven our debt, He (Love) lives inside us, and we need to do things His way, not because of rules, but out of His love.

To not forgive is selfish, it puts our hurt feelings (mind and body) up there as more important that God.

To forgive does NOT mean that what the person did was not wrong. It was wrong.

Jesus DID NOT say that what we did was not sin or became acceptable. It was sin. He gave His life as payment FOR our sin. 

He DID say that the penalty was paid in full. (See Hebrews 7:27, Hebrews 9:12, Hebrews 9:28)

It grieves my heart when someone says, “I’ll never forgive them…” denying themselves freedom from the hurt.

Mostly, because it indicates that they’ve not accepted God’s forgiveness for their own sins.

But also because Mark 11:24-26 says, “Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.  And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”

(christianpost.com)

Pretty Woman

(Photo from dreamstime.com)

Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed from every direction with messages about God’s grace.

Andrew Wommack calls the gospel of God’s grace, the nearly-too-good-to-be-true news. Sometimes I find myself in overload mode, breathing quickly and so shallow, with excitement over how much and how unconditionally God loves me.

Quick story. While at a Thursday morning Bible study learning even more about God’s amazing grace through the book of Romans, God took me back to a distant but beautiful memory.

We lived in Rome, New York at the time. (Is it coincidence that we’re going through the book of Romans?) I’d turned my back on God for a season and was wallowing in pathetic guilt and shame and reasoned that there was no way God could allow me back into His arms. Now, I know that Satan was behind that message, but at the time, I couldn’t imagine God even wanted to look at me.

While driving down a lonely road, I was feeling insanely depressed and afraid that I could never make my way back to the loving God of the universe, because I’d betrayed Him. Tears of fear were quickly replaced by tears of joy as God sang through my radio to me. You may think this sounds crazy or even corny or unbelievable, but, He spoke to me, clearly through lyrics that melted my heart as I realized He was still pursuing me, still reaching out to me – He still wanted me; He still loved me!

(from aol.com)

The song seemed to play for an eternity as I took in the words:

“Pretty woman, walkin’ down the street. Pretty woman, the kind I’d like to meet…..

Pretty woman, stop a while. Pretty woman, talk a while. Pretty woman give your smile to me…..

Pretty woman, look my way. Pretty woman, say you’ll stay with me….. ‘cause I need you, I’ll treat you right, come with me girl, be mine tonight

Pretty woman, don’t walk on by. Pretty woman, don’t make me cry. Pretty woman, don’t walk on by…

I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late, there’ll be tomorrow night – but wait! What do I see? Yeah – you’re walking back to me!”

(photo from videoblocks.com)

Now, I realize the original intent behind the song is a man just trying to pick up a pretty woman. I get that. But, God knew how to reach out and catch my attention. He knows my heart. He knows the words that press buttons in my brain. He knows how much I long to be pretty – and I’m pretty to Him. I don’t care to be beautiful, I long to be pretty. So, He called out to me, Hey – Pretty woman! Stop what you’re doing and come back to me! Talk with me, stay with me, be mine!

Then, as my heart turned whole-heartedly to Him, He chimed in with the line, “What do I see? You’re walking back to me!”

How can that story not reduce you to tears? Well, maybe it doesn’t make you cry – but, I was bawling like crazy. I probably had to pull off to the side of the road.

That was many years ago, but still, God continues to woo me, to pursue me, to teach my heart about His unending grace; His forever love!

He’s continuously calling out to you, too –

Listen for Him.

Respond!

(photo fro videoblocks.com)

Psalm 139:1-18

¹ O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,^[a] you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
¹²     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me,^[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!”

New Living Translation (NLT)

The Assault of Anguish

(photo from pixshark.com)

Processing. Processing. Just what is it I’m supposed to be processing? Life? Death? Gracefully transitioning through one and then the other? Or simply the idea of watching it unfold before me?

My brain seems to be in shut down mode more than processing mode tonight. Is this denial, not wanting to see the reality that’s before my eyes? Fear? Some version of panic? All of the above?

Blood. I’m not good with blood; not good with it at all! I’m not good with the smells that come with death, the stench of what the body is doing as it shuts down, the odors that permeate the air around those preparing to leave this world. My thanks and praise and honor go out to all of you called to careers that wholeheartedly embrace this part of reality, knowing that you’ve got gifts of mercy and endurance far beyond what my puny brain can fathom. To you, the doctors, the nurses, and mostly to the aides that get the bulk of the stinky work and the children taking care of their parents and the parents taking care of their children, I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

My blood is quivering in my veins. My throat is closing. The air is thin and hard to breathe in. My heartbeat is either pounding so loud I can’t stand it, or it’s so quiet I question if I’m awake. Burning tears bulge the skin around my eyes, but don’t fall. My eyelids bat at them, urging them to cut loose. A few make their way down my cheeks. My head can’t decide if it wants to burst from this profound pressure or just accept a headache. I sniffle. I feel a whisper of nausea washing over my body and the heat of fear flooding my face and neck.

My thoughts are so very unclear. How can I process what’s happening? Should I even be trying to make sense of this? Or is that better left to those of you in the healthcare fields? How do you make sense of this?

It’s one thing to get a phone call in the middle of the night, even when you’ve been waiting for it. But, it’s quite another to sit with and care for one I’m about to lose to the other side of eternity. She’ll see Jesus face-to-Face before I will. Probably.

(photo from elephantjournal.com)

Why can’t it always be a quiet slipping away while wrapped in slumber, dreams and conversations with our Creator?

No, sometimes great pain, discomfort and ugliness, swallowed up in blood and odors and weakness engulf both the one passing and those who love them.

Sleep. No wonder she wants to sleep. Her sleep consumes most of her day and all of her night. Perhaps there she’s able to forget the frustrations and sorrows and fears of her waking moments. When she’s sleeping, no one is trying to coax her to take a sip of water, or nibble on a snack; no one is trying to change her clothes or clean her body; no one is disturbing her peace. In her slumber she’s not forced to see what’s happening to her; she can drift off to another time and place if she chooses. Yes. I think I would sleep, too.

When she’s awake, it’s an effort to smile. I don’t dare ask what she’s thinking. Is she upset because she thinks others have given up on her? Or is she upset because she’s giving up on herself? Is she just annoyed because her body insists she’s tired and needs to be sleeping even more? Is she frustrated with those of us trying to help? Is she angry that this is how her life is ending? Does she wish it would end quickly, or does she grasp for each sunrise, even though she doesn’t seem happy to see it? Is she looking forward to “the other side”? If she is, she doesn’t show it.

(photo from petfinder.com)

She does smile, on occasion; at the sight of her puppy shaking his tail off because he’s so happy to see her – then, even though it’s out of love, he’s in her way. She smiled at the package of cookies a held before her, and then sighed at the chore it became to eat one.

She’s glad to be in her own bed. I ponder over what great solace this brings her, and squirm over the idea that she may not sleep there long. She needs more care than her home environment will allow. Unless, in His mercy, God takes her soon, she may find herself sleeping in a hospital bed or in a care facility of some sort. That, too, will steal any fleeting smile from her lips.

I wrestle with “how would I feel” – but, the truth is, I can’t know how I will feel until I get there. And right now, it doesn’t matter at all how I would feel, what matters is how to comfort her through what she’s feeling. Honestly, I can only imagine what she’s thinking or feeling; I actually have no clue what’s going through her pretty little head.

(Meme from thecaregiverspace.org)

Wait. The pressure in my face is increasing, for some reason the tears that are building up inside there somewhere are being held prisoner. The occasional loss of one tear or two doesn’t help.

Wait. Rest isn’t coming. I need to go home, to my own house, my own bed, the arms of my own husband.

Wait. My own sniffling is driving me crazy. But, I don’t want to disturb her sleep with one of my notorious nose-blowing escapades.

Wait. The flowers around the room don’t bring any cheer to my heart.

Wait. My body can’t decide if it’s hot or cold. The water from my bottle doesn’t satisfy my thirst.

Wait. Listen. Breathe…..Pray.

As I invite the Holy Spirit into the room, into my head, my lungs, and my body – a peace begins to wash over me. Now, yes, now – my tears fall. Something is releasing; something is being freed.

“Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.” Psalm 32:7 (KJV)

Wait. I will wait on God, whether understanding comes with His peace or not. Selah.

Loneliness

(Picture from layoutsparks.com)

Sometimes the most profoundly lonely moments follow time spent with someone you care about.

Perhaps their sudden absence makes you realize the importance of their presence.

Perhaps it’s the recognition that the world is phenomenally bigger when they’re not around.

Perhaps it’s because you realize the world keeps turning whether you’re with them or not, and you’re not sure that’s a good thing.

All at once, the sound of their voice is missing as silence surrounds you.

At that same instance, the beauty of their face is only in your mind.

Within moments, their touch is a million miles away.

Right about now, the word ‘alone’ takes on new meaning; and the only purpose your tears serve is to create a wealth of snot in your nose and there’s not a tissue to be found.

Allowing your mind to insist they return to you only prolongs the aching feeling in your chest.

Explore what else occupies your heart; there in the shadows, being crushed by the emptiness you’re allowing to overwhelm and smother you. What’s there? Look closer.

Ah yes, a smile returns to your face now. Absence may increase longing, but can’t overpower love.

Now, your heart can return to its normal size, and grow even larger. There’s room for absence. The heart has the capacity to hold so much and never be filled; there’s always room for more. It stretches, you know.

Absence can’t shut you out if you invite it in; welcome it; allow it to teach you all about being present.

Loneliness fades.

Joy wakes up.

Exploring our heart becomes an adventure that pushes fear out completely; or changes the look on its face till it’s no longer a frightening thing.

Dare to look at the very things you’ve been hiding from for so long. No, you don’t have to do it all at once. Baby steps will still accomplish the journey.

“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.” -  1 John 3:20  (KJV)

When You Hear, "There's Nothing You Can Do..."

(photo courtesy of fanpop.com)

When you hear the news, “There’s nothing you can do.....”

We all go through all sorts of trying times whether our days are many or few. We’ve all suffered heartbreak of some kind or another. But, it can be overwhelming to hear the news that – “there’s nothing you can do...”

To some extent, we all want to feel a degree of control over the situations that arise in our lives. Sometimes we can remain very much in control and face a hard situation head on, then look back and marvel at how we made it through. Other times we completely fall apart and rely on others to carry us through, or we crawl through, kicking and crying. The times we rely on others are sometimes a blur, and when the one(s) we’re depending on break or bare their weak side, we find ourselves helping them deal with the ache in their heart, too.

No one ever said life was going to be easy, as a matter of fact, Jesus Himself said that in this world we will have tribulations, but to be of good cheer, because He has overcome the world. (John 16:33)

A quoted scripture can seem to increase your load. We can hear it as a resounding chime, bouncing echoes of our weakness around in our head, telling us we’re not supposed to be stressing or worrying or crying, because God’s got it all in control – when it doesn’t feel like anyone at all even knows what control in our situation would look like. When the peace doesn’t come, we may get angry and blame God for letting us down, or resent Him for “making” us go through this heartache in the first place.

When I heard those words trumpeted into my inner-most being, the proclaimed and declared-out-loud the news that there’s nothing I can do, that there’s nothing anyone can do...I went limp. At that moment I felt as though all the air in the room was vacuumed away, leaving my heart racing. The instant before that profoundly truthful news, I felt frustrated by my own perceived helplessness. And now? Now, it was confirmed. There is absolutely nothing I can do. In this instance of revelation, I had to surrender to the fact that control was no longer in my court, that, in fact, it was never within my grasp to control this situation at all, and that I would never be capable of changing that reality.

There is nothing I can do; there is nothing you can do – but give ourselves completely over to the love that brought us into existence in the first place.

If you know me at all, it’s not often I’m found speechless, though it’s easy to bring a tear to my eyes. The floodgates opened and I was shaking, without no words in my mouth.

Sitting in my sin, the most fatal of all conditions, desperate and seeking a way of escape, God announced to my heart, “There is nothing you can do….”

“For by grace are ye saved, through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast.” ~ Ephesians 2:8-9 (KJV)

What greater cause for rejoicing can there possibly be?

Unsettling Vision

I shared this with a dear friend the other day, and thought I’d share it with you, too.

Years ago I had a vision of a little girl, maybe 9 or 10 years old. She was huddled in the hallway of a ghetto building I apparently helping a woman move from. We carried boxes down stairs and saw her in underneath the steps too afraid to even cry. She’d been violated and was badly hurt. I wept for her and held her in my arms. I was angry at the boy that did this to her. I wanted him to pay, I wanted him to die. I was then whisked away to the top of a fence overlooking a nearby ghetto neighborhood. I was standing on a pipe. Two women approached me, wearing colorful skirts, but naked to the waist, one with a child on her hip. They asked why I stood on the water pipe, insisting that I was going to break it. They told me that this pipe was their lifeline – and if I remained on it and it broke, they would die.

I looked out into the nasty apartments, clotheslines strewn from one to another sporting dingy clothes not worth washing. The wall to the apartment complex disappeared and I could see into the apartments. There he was; the boy that had trashed the little girl in the stairwell. My anger flared when I saw him. A big man with a shirtless pot belly was beating the boy with a cord or belt. His screams were blood-curdling. At first I thought, “Good, he deserves it! How did the man know what the boy had done already?” But then I noticed a half dressed, heavy set woman smoking a cigarette and laughing at the boy. Somehow I knew that his beating was for her sexual pleasure. I grieved for the boy and longed to take him in my arms and hold him like I had the little girl, but couldn’t get to him.

The topless women still beckoned me to get off the pipe before it broke. I climbed down and they hugged me.

 

I’m not sure what the whole vision means. But I know there’s healing in it for me, and perhaps for you. I know the water in the pipeline is the life-giving Living Water that only Jesus can provide..... Can you lend insight?

Romans 3:10 - As it is written: “There is none righteous, no, not one…” (NKJV)