Loss and Letting Go

 

Nothing teaches you to let go like losing something that’s important to you; losing a loved one or breaking something of value.

We’ve all lost loved ones, it’s the biggest loss we’ll experience. Everyone grieves differently. We all go through stages of loss in our own way, at our own pace. Letting go seldom follows a prescribed plan.

Scaling things waaaaay back:  we all lose petty things, too. These kinds of things have no value to anyone but us. Although, much easier to let go of, these things can still cause angst and frustrations. Taking a deep breath and shaking it off can turn into taking two, three or four deep breaths and shaking our fists because we don’t want to let to, but we have to.

I recently broke my phone and had to replace it. It’s sad, really, how attached we can get to our phones. I suppose it’s easier to replace one if you’re part of the savvy crowd that backs things up to a cloud.

Sure, I can transfer my contacts and some of my text and old voice messages, my pictures – at least most of them….

But, scores for games I’ve been playing for years? Gone. Predictive texts? Gone. Little things I looked forward to, or grew too dependent upon, I now have no choice but to start over and build up scores and vocabularies again.

I resent it, because it feels like a waste of time; I’ve already done it before. Feels like I’m back to square one. I guess it reminds me that I’m always starting something over.

But, doesn’t life happen in cycles? Having the opportunity to start over again should be a good thing.

Blew my diet yesterday? I was given today to try again to get it right. Fail a quiz at school? Now you know you have to study before the big test that really counts. Forgot to save that essay you were writing? You can do better when you write it again.

Sometimes we get it right when we do things again, or when we do them repeatedly. Take rejoicing – the more we rejoice, the more joy we experience, and as we know, “the joy of the Lord is our strength…” (Nehemiah 8:10)

Take those deep breaths, shake your head or your fists and let it break loose….. Let it go. Honestly, your other choices aren’t productive. Perhaps that’s why this was penned so long ago.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

-       Reinhold Niebuhr

Maybe we need to anticipate more from what’s to come, to let go of what we had.

The Assault of Anguish

(photo from pixshark.com)

Processing. Processing. Just what is it I’m supposed to be processing? Life? Death? Gracefully transitioning through one and then the other? Or simply the idea of watching it unfold before me?

My brain seems to be in shut down mode more than processing mode tonight. Is this denial, not wanting to see the reality that’s before my eyes? Fear? Some version of panic? All of the above?

Blood. I’m not good with blood; not good with it at all! I’m not good with the smells that come with death, the stench of what the body is doing as it shuts down, the odors that permeate the air around those preparing to leave this world. My thanks and praise and honor go out to all of you called to careers that wholeheartedly embrace this part of reality, knowing that you’ve got gifts of mercy and endurance far beyond what my puny brain can fathom. To you, the doctors, the nurses, and mostly to the aides that get the bulk of the stinky work and the children taking care of their parents and the parents taking care of their children, I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

My blood is quivering in my veins. My throat is closing. The air is thin and hard to breathe in. My heartbeat is either pounding so loud I can’t stand it, or it’s so quiet I question if I’m awake. Burning tears bulge the skin around my eyes, but don’t fall. My eyelids bat at them, urging them to cut loose. A few make their way down my cheeks. My head can’t decide if it wants to burst from this profound pressure or just accept a headache. I sniffle. I feel a whisper of nausea washing over my body and the heat of fear flooding my face and neck.

My thoughts are so very unclear. How can I process what’s happening? Should I even be trying to make sense of this? Or is that better left to those of you in the healthcare fields? How do you make sense of this?

It’s one thing to get a phone call in the middle of the night, even when you’ve been waiting for it. But, it’s quite another to sit with and care for one I’m about to lose to the other side of eternity. She’ll see Jesus face-to-Face before I will. Probably.

(photo from elephantjournal.com)

Why can’t it always be a quiet slipping away while wrapped in slumber, dreams and conversations with our Creator?

No, sometimes great pain, discomfort and ugliness, swallowed up in blood and odors and weakness engulf both the one passing and those who love them.

Sleep. No wonder she wants to sleep. Her sleep consumes most of her day and all of her night. Perhaps there she’s able to forget the frustrations and sorrows and fears of her waking moments. When she’s sleeping, no one is trying to coax her to take a sip of water, or nibble on a snack; no one is trying to change her clothes or clean her body; no one is disturbing her peace. In her slumber she’s not forced to see what’s happening to her; she can drift off to another time and place if she chooses. Yes. I think I would sleep, too.

When she’s awake, it’s an effort to smile. I don’t dare ask what she’s thinking. Is she upset because she thinks others have given up on her? Or is she upset because she’s giving up on herself? Is she just annoyed because her body insists she’s tired and needs to be sleeping even more? Is she frustrated with those of us trying to help? Is she angry that this is how her life is ending? Does she wish it would end quickly, or does she grasp for each sunrise, even though she doesn’t seem happy to see it? Is she looking forward to “the other side”? If she is, she doesn’t show it.

(photo from petfinder.com)

She does smile, on occasion; at the sight of her puppy shaking his tail off because he’s so happy to see her – then, even though it’s out of love, he’s in her way. She smiled at the package of cookies a held before her, and then sighed at the chore it became to eat one.

She’s glad to be in her own bed. I ponder over what great solace this brings her, and squirm over the idea that she may not sleep there long. She needs more care than her home environment will allow. Unless, in His mercy, God takes her soon, she may find herself sleeping in a hospital bed or in a care facility of some sort. That, too, will steal any fleeting smile from her lips.

I wrestle with “how would I feel” – but, the truth is, I can’t know how I will feel until I get there. And right now, it doesn’t matter at all how I would feel, what matters is how to comfort her through what she’s feeling. Honestly, I can only imagine what she’s thinking or feeling; I actually have no clue what’s going through her pretty little head.

(Meme from thecaregiverspace.org)

Wait. The pressure in my face is increasing, for some reason the tears that are building up inside there somewhere are being held prisoner. The occasional loss of one tear or two doesn’t help.

Wait. Rest isn’t coming. I need to go home, to my own house, my own bed, the arms of my own husband.

Wait. My own sniffling is driving me crazy. But, I don’t want to disturb her sleep with one of my notorious nose-blowing escapades.

Wait. The flowers around the room don’t bring any cheer to my heart.

Wait. My body can’t decide if it’s hot or cold. The water from my bottle doesn’t satisfy my thirst.

Wait. Listen. Breathe…..Pray.

As I invite the Holy Spirit into the room, into my head, my lungs, and my body – a peace begins to wash over me. Now, yes, now – my tears fall. Something is releasing; something is being freed.

“Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.” Psalm 32:7 (KJV)

Wait. I will wait on God, whether understanding comes with His peace or not. Selah.

When You Hear, "There's Nothing You Can Do..."

(photo courtesy of fanpop.com)

When you hear the news, “There’s nothing you can do.....”

We all go through all sorts of trying times whether our days are many or few. We’ve all suffered heartbreak of some kind or another. But, it can be overwhelming to hear the news that – “there’s nothing you can do...”

To some extent, we all want to feel a degree of control over the situations that arise in our lives. Sometimes we can remain very much in control and face a hard situation head on, then look back and marvel at how we made it through. Other times we completely fall apart and rely on others to carry us through, or we crawl through, kicking and crying. The times we rely on others are sometimes a blur, and when the one(s) we’re depending on break or bare their weak side, we find ourselves helping them deal with the ache in their heart, too.

No one ever said life was going to be easy, as a matter of fact, Jesus Himself said that in this world we will have tribulations, but to be of good cheer, because He has overcome the world. (John 16:33)

A quoted scripture can seem to increase your load. We can hear it as a resounding chime, bouncing echoes of our weakness around in our head, telling us we’re not supposed to be stressing or worrying or crying, because God’s got it all in control – when it doesn’t feel like anyone at all even knows what control in our situation would look like. When the peace doesn’t come, we may get angry and blame God for letting us down, or resent Him for “making” us go through this heartache in the first place.

When I heard those words trumpeted into my inner-most being, the proclaimed and declared-out-loud the news that there’s nothing I can do, that there’s nothing anyone can do...I went limp. At that moment I felt as though all the air in the room was vacuumed away, leaving my heart racing. The instant before that profoundly truthful news, I felt frustrated by my own perceived helplessness. And now? Now, it was confirmed. There is absolutely nothing I can do. In this instance of revelation, I had to surrender to the fact that control was no longer in my court, that, in fact, it was never within my grasp to control this situation at all, and that I would never be capable of changing that reality.

There is nothing I can do; there is nothing you can do – but give ourselves completely over to the love that brought us into existence in the first place.

If you know me at all, it’s not often I’m found speechless, though it’s easy to bring a tear to my eyes. The floodgates opened and I was shaking, without no words in my mouth.

Sitting in my sin, the most fatal of all conditions, desperate and seeking a way of escape, God announced to my heart, “There is nothing you can do….”

“For by grace are ye saved, through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast.” ~ Ephesians 2:8-9 (KJV)

What greater cause for rejoicing can there possibly be?

Hidden Treasures?

(video courtesy of youtube.com)

“I will give you hidden treasures,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the LORD,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.”

~Isaiah 45:3 (NIV)

Since I have precious little of your time, today I’ll be brief with my words and ask you to watch the video inserted above and answer this question: Are the treasures He’s hidden for you (not from you) not worth risking your life to find?

“Fear not….”

Found 63 times in the King James Version of the Bible

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

~II Timothy 1:7 (KJV)

“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”

~Matthew 16:25 (NIV)

Fertilizing Our Garden

While talking to my cashier at the store yesterday, he put my most recent blog post in a better perspective for me. The other day I wrote about fertilizer, this will make more sense if you read it first – I quoted Paul in Philippians 3:7-10. I guess I’d never realized where Paul was really going with his statement.

My cashier pointed out that by accomplishing the things we do in life, but not giving God the glory, or by not doing them for God’s glory – they becomes dung, manure not even fit to be used for fertilizer.

Though I took a different train of thought, counting all my experiences, good and bad, as the fertilizer that grows the garden of my life, his comments struck a chord with me. What if I let all that fertilizer go to waste by not allowing my life to bring glory to God? My travails and triumphs should make me a better person, all for the glory of God – but if my fertilizer becomes sterile, my garden will be a barren wasteland.

I pondered this a while.

Does my life glorify God? Does the garden of my life produce the fruit of the Spirit?

Do I praise Him in the midst of my miseries? Do I thank Him in the midst of my daily blessings? Do I show Him to the lost and dying world around me – or am I too busy making fertilizer that I’m not using effectively?

‘All for the glory of God’ - what does that mean to you? Does what you’re going through from day to day count for anything?

Romans 4:20-21 ‘He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God; And being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform.’ (KJV)

Manure Happens

My paraphrase for one of the famous passages Paul wrote in the book of Philippians goes like this: I consider it all fertilizer used in growing the garden of my life.

What he actually said, according to the King James rendition is: ‘But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith…’ (3:7-10)

So everything that counts for me as gain, or success or fame or fortune, I consider the growing experiences that make up the fertilizer that makes the garden of my life beautiful.

Furthermore, I count all my losses, my sorrows, my struggles and pain, my heartaches, my sicknesses and my frustrations as part of that fertilizer for this incredible garden as well.

The people I meet along the way and the experiences I go through all cultivate my life. Love drives it all, bringing it all together with a perfect harmony only my Father in heaven could pull-off.

Rain without sunshine would drown us, sunshine without rain would leave us parched and dying. There is a perfect balance in the peace of God, which exceeds our human understanding, but gives rest to the weary and empowers us for life.

The only way to obtain God’s peace is through His living Word. Our losses and gains are merely a wasted pile of manure without the peace of God. Engage with His Word today.

Searching.....

If stars could be held
and sunshine contained
If trials were no trouble
if parents came trained
If darkness revealed things
instead of concealing
if pain didn’t hurt
and we’d never need healing
If sin wasn’t ugly
if heartaches weren’t real
then life wouldn’t matter
and we wouldn’t feel
If doubt didn’t happen
and fear didn’t scare
we wouldn’t find God -anywhere...
Helen Williams! c 12/02

Who Would Notice?

‘If I fell off the face of the earth – no one would even notice…’

Have you ever thought that? I’ve seen similar statements as status updates on Facebook and it saddens me to see that our common enemy, Satan, has managed to diminish our value in our own eyes.

Is it because we’ve fallen short of some standard that was set for us?

Is it because we measure ourselves by the successes of others?

Is it because we simply don’t like what we see in the mirror?

I would love to convince you of your worth – but convincing anyone of anything means coming up against what they already believe, and against the experiences that brought them to the point of believing what they believe.

What gives something its value? What determines its worth?

To a millionaire a fifty dollar gift card might be an insult. To someone in a third world country, fifty dollars could mean the difference between life and death.

To a professional violinist, a half a million dollar violin is a thing of beauty and coveted. To a child with no ear for music, it’s merely a decoration.

Relative value is largely determined by who’s holding the object in question.

Absolute value is predetermined.

The fifty dollar gift card is worth just that, fifty dollars. The half a million dollar violin is worth a half a million dollars.

When we’re mistreated by the world at large or the people we are closest to, we often feel worthless, even if we’re pretty enough to be a decoration. But our absolute value was established before we were conceived, even before the earth was formed.

So our relative value can only be affected by allowing our lives to be controlled by people who don’t care about us. By yielding control to God – we retain our unfathomable, absolute value, which can never change.

More to come…………….