Mourn - Grieve - and Let Go

 

(picsart .com)

We can all mourn the past we didn't have. 

 

Wishing our lives had been different won't change a thing. Go ahead and grieve for it. You won’t move forward without letting go.

 

To the one whose childhood was too difficult to navigate...

To the child who's felt unloved everyday...

To the one who's never felt they fit in...

To the one who's been neglected and abused...

To the one who's confused and challenging why things have been so hard...

And to everyone else reading:

 

You are seen and you are loved. 

 

"But not the way I've wanted to be", your heart cries. 

 You've been ignored, or worse, scorned. 

 

You've been criticized or cursed. 

 

You've felt completely alone, even when everyone around you seemed to be laughing. 

 

You've been lost and scared, not knowing where to turn or who to run to. 

 

You've knocked on doors that wouldn't open. 

 

You've cried prayers of fear and desperation. 

 

You've seen and felt the emptiness of your heart. 

 

And all you've wanted is to be seen and heard and loved. 

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Don't believe the lie that you are at fault or that you are unlovable. 

 

Don't believe the lie that no one truly cares about you. 

 

Don't believe the lie that you're the only one who's faced these thoughts and feelings. 

 

Don't believe the lie that no one will ever accept you as you are. 

 

 

The very One Who created you has been there every step of the way. 

 

He's been watching you and crying with you and reaching out to you.

 

He's been listening when your heart was breaking, and He heard the sound of every piece crack and fall away. 

 

He's seen every tear fall - and He's caught them all. 

 

He's felt your heartbeat race through all your fear and anxiety. 

 

He's called your name in whispers and shouts throughout every day you've drawn breath. 

 

He's tucked blessings in along the way. Sometimes hidden away for you, sometimes in glaringly obvious places. 

 

He's painted sunsets for your eyes only. 

 

He's showered down rain and sat with you in the puddles. 

 

He's guided you and even led you by the hand for as long as you'd hold on. 

 

He's dropped sunbeams to shimmer on your hair. 

 

He's brought sweet fragrances to tantalize your senses. 

 

He's sung love songs into your ears and wrapped them around your heart. 

 

He's breathed life into your lungs, even when you didn't want to go in living. 

 

He knew you before you were conceived. 

 

He waited with you on endless nights of loneliness and sorrow. 

 

He's pulled back the veil when you wrestled with confusion. 

 

He's held you while you slept, cradling you in His arms, tucking you closely into His heart. 

 

He was the parent your natural parents couldn't be. 

 

 

You can mourn the past you didn't have. 

 

You should. 

 

 

Then release the past to the past and look for the blessings of today. 

 

They're there. 

 

Everywhere. 

 

You'll miss most of them, even when you're intentionally looking. 

 

They're there. 

 

You'll catch a glimpse of one now and then. 

 

As you watch for them, you'll see more of them. 

 

You'll begin to appreciate them and even rejoice in them. 

 

And blessing by blessing you'll let go of yesterday and make something new out of today. 

 

As you listen for His voice, you'll begin to hear His love songs. 

 

As you begin to recognize the presence of the One Who loves you best you'll begin to celebrate moments you use to miss. 

 

Second by second, minute by minute you'll see your life for what it's meant to be, not just as the sum of the hurts that brought you into today. 

 

 

You are more. 

You are loved. You've always been loved. 

You are not alone. You were never really alone. 

You're alive, truly alive. 

 

Your next breath ushers in purpose and meaning that's been there all along. 

 

The only One Who can save us is the One Who loved us enough to create us and give us the chance to fulfill our destiny. 

 

All our mistakes and failures are back there, too - in the past. 

 

 

Today is new. 

 

Today we can choose to listen for His voice.

 

Today we can open our hearts up to His tangible presence. 

 

Today we can sing with Him as He rejoices over us. 

 

And tomorrow, there’s even more.

Pretty Woman

(Photo from dreamstime.com)

Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed from every direction with messages about God’s grace.

Andrew Wommack calls the gospel of God’s grace, the nearly-too-good-to-be-true news. Sometimes I find myself in overload mode, breathing quickly and so shallow, with excitement over how much and how unconditionally God loves me.

Quick story. While at a Thursday morning Bible study learning even more about God’s amazing grace through the book of Romans, God took me back to a distant but beautiful memory.

We lived in Rome, New York at the time. (Is it coincidence that we’re going through the book of Romans?) I’d turned my back on God for a season and was wallowing in pathetic guilt and shame and reasoned that there was no way God could allow me back into His arms. Now, I know that Satan was behind that message, but at the time, I couldn’t imagine God even wanted to look at me.

While driving down a lonely road, I was feeling insanely depressed and afraid that I could never make my way back to the loving God of the universe, because I’d betrayed Him. Tears of fear were quickly replaced by tears of joy as God sang through my radio to me. You may think this sounds crazy or even corny or unbelievable, but, He spoke to me, clearly through lyrics that melted my heart as I realized He was still pursuing me, still reaching out to me – He still wanted me; He still loved me!

(from aol.com)

The song seemed to play for an eternity as I took in the words:

“Pretty woman, walkin’ down the street. Pretty woman, the kind I’d like to meet…..

Pretty woman, stop a while. Pretty woman, talk a while. Pretty woman give your smile to me…..

Pretty woman, look my way. Pretty woman, say you’ll stay with me….. ‘cause I need you, I’ll treat you right, come with me girl, be mine tonight

Pretty woman, don’t walk on by. Pretty woman, don’t make me cry. Pretty woman, don’t walk on by…

I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late, there’ll be tomorrow night – but wait! What do I see? Yeah – you’re walking back to me!”

(photo from videoblocks.com)

Now, I realize the original intent behind the song is a man just trying to pick up a pretty woman. I get that. But, God knew how to reach out and catch my attention. He knows my heart. He knows the words that press buttons in my brain. He knows how much I long to be pretty – and I’m pretty to Him. I don’t care to be beautiful, I long to be pretty. So, He called out to me, Hey – Pretty woman! Stop what you’re doing and come back to me! Talk with me, stay with me, be mine!

Then, as my heart turned whole-heartedly to Him, He chimed in with the line, “What do I see? You’re walking back to me!”

How can that story not reduce you to tears? Well, maybe it doesn’t make you cry – but, I was bawling like crazy. I probably had to pull off to the side of the road.

That was many years ago, but still, God continues to woo me, to pursue me, to teach my heart about His unending grace; His forever love!

He’s continuously calling out to you, too –

Listen for Him.

Respond!

(photo fro videoblocks.com)

Psalm 139:1-18

¹ O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,^[a] you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
¹²     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me,^[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!”

New Living Translation (NLT)

What's In Your Closet?

(picture from pinterest.com)

Last week our pastor made mention of a book that intrigued me. I haven’t gotten it yet, but, I took note of it. From a Women’s Aglow Bible study, it’s called Shame; the Thief of Intimacy.

Sometimes shame, like other negative feelings, can bring us down. We can wear it like a cozy bathrobe, not even aware of how it’s dragging us into darkness, until it’s too late. It’s a subtle thing, we reach for it there on the hook in our bathroom, right where we left it that last time we shook it off.

(photo from houzz.com)

 But, shame isn’t the only thief in our wardrobe.

Throughout our average day, we may well put on something that looks more like depression, sadness, sorrow, anxiety, worry or fear.

Throughout scripture, we read about clothing ourselves; in the righteousness of God (Isaiah 61:10; Ephesians 4:22-24), in the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18), with praise and rejoicing (Isaiah 61:1-2)….

I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. – Isaiah 61:10 (NIV)

When I show up at the elementary school to pick up my granddaughter, if I notice I’ve spilt coffee on my shirt, it’s too late to do anything about it. If I’d noticed it before I left the house, I could have changed into something clean, and avoided any embarrassment.

So, maybe one of our first steps into the day should include looking at ourselves in our spiritual mirror (the Word of God) to see if we line up with what He has to say about us. (James 1:22-25)

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom,and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. – James 1:22-25 (NIV)

(photo from etsy.com)

Pastor also mentioned something about pride being the root of a poor self-image. Say what? Didn’t make sense to me at first, but he went on to explain that pride says that what my opinion is of me, is more correct than what God thinks of me. Ouch!

So, if I feel worthless or shameful or defeated, that’s truer than what my Creator, the God of the Universe has to say about me???

Yeah, I guess that would be pride.

God knew we’d have hard days; days when we feel as if the world is moving on without us, days when we feel worthless, days when sorrow overwhelms us, and days when the bad news just won’t stop coming. As a matter of fact, we can quote His Word, saying, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.– John 16:33

His Word also tells us to put on the garment of praise in exchange for the spirit of heaviness. Here it is, tucked into some of my favorite verses.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
   and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor. – Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)

So no matter how we’re feeling today, look need into the mirror of the Word of God, throw our shoulders back and admit it; what He says about us is true.

Yes, we will overcome – even this.

Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. – 1 John 4:4 (KJV)

For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. – 1 John 5:4 (KJV)

Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God? – 1 John 5:5 (KJV)

What’s in your closet?

(photo from myclothinghelper.com)

Again, I Say....

(cookiesandsangria.com)

Why pout? Where’s the strength in that?

Yeah, sometimes we just don’t feel strong. Everything doesn’t have to be about strength. But, why take a step back every time we step forward?

Ah, we’re waltzing!

Or, stepping back to take a look at where we’ve come from and where we’ve traveled along the way? That’s a beautiful picture, isn’t it? One that’s totally worth taking in periodically, for sure.

Moving forward, standing still; dancing or resting. We’re alive!

(hercampus.com)

Whether it was hard to get out of bed this morning or you leapt from your slumber anticipating the day - you woke up!

Whether you were stiff while you brushed your teeth, forgetting to notice the beauty in your reflection or you greeted the day humming, with a smile hanging off your ears and offering up a prayer of thanksgiving - rejoice, you have glorious breath in your lungs!

Whether you feel it or not you have power, because you love.

(pickthebrain.com)

But, you can only express that love as you allow yourself to receive love.

Guess what! “God IS love!” (1 John 4:8)

When God fills your life, He saturates you with Love to overflowing. That’s the love that you pour out on those you cherish.

God doesn’t simply have love, or choose to love; He IS Love!

And if God is Love, how can we love without Him?

In His gracious love, whether we feel worthy or not, He allows us to choose how much of Him we’ll receive; how much of Him we want; how much love we’ll allow Him to pour through us.

(crosscards.com)

Rejoice. If you’re not filled to overflowing, you can be.

Simply receive.

Choose to receive!

The more you receive, the more you can give away.

In those moments when you feel like you have nothing left to give, God’s Love will pour out of you.

“I can’t…” is a lie!

You can!

You get to choose!

(christianitymalaysia.com)

Today, choose Love.

Rejoicing has to follow. Not because we insist it follows love, but because it’s the natural order of things. Rejoicing is a consequence of Love.

Love creates strength and wears joy.

(welcometofamily.com)

By the way, joy doesn’t always smile. Joy isn’t that bubbly energy we see some people exuding. Joy can be there even in the tough times, when it’s hard to smile. “The joy of the Lord is our strength!” (Nehemiah 8:10)

So, again, I say – rejoice! (Philippians 4:4)

Heavenly Father, today I choose You!

Right this minute I choose to let Your Love in to bathe my heart

and soothe my soul.

You are Love; fill me with Yourself and pour out of me onto everyone I meet today. Let joy resound in me and strength rise up.

Restore me, O God. You are my Light and my Salvation, in You I rejoice.

Thank You for every blessing You provide, especially those I fail to notice.

I love You, Lord.

With the authority in Jesus’ precious Name, I pray. Amen.

The Assault of Anguish

(photo from pixshark.com)

Processing. Processing. Just what is it I’m supposed to be processing? Life? Death? Gracefully transitioning through one and then the other? Or simply the idea of watching it unfold before me?

My brain seems to be in shut down mode more than processing mode tonight. Is this denial, not wanting to see the reality that’s before my eyes? Fear? Some version of panic? All of the above?

Blood. I’m not good with blood; not good with it at all! I’m not good with the smells that come with death, the stench of what the body is doing as it shuts down, the odors that permeate the air around those preparing to leave this world. My thanks and praise and honor go out to all of you called to careers that wholeheartedly embrace this part of reality, knowing that you’ve got gifts of mercy and endurance far beyond what my puny brain can fathom. To you, the doctors, the nurses, and mostly to the aides that get the bulk of the stinky work and the children taking care of their parents and the parents taking care of their children, I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

My blood is quivering in my veins. My throat is closing. The air is thin and hard to breathe in. My heartbeat is either pounding so loud I can’t stand it, or it’s so quiet I question if I’m awake. Burning tears bulge the skin around my eyes, but don’t fall. My eyelids bat at them, urging them to cut loose. A few make their way down my cheeks. My head can’t decide if it wants to burst from this profound pressure or just accept a headache. I sniffle. I feel a whisper of nausea washing over my body and the heat of fear flooding my face and neck.

My thoughts are so very unclear. How can I process what’s happening? Should I even be trying to make sense of this? Or is that better left to those of you in the healthcare fields? How do you make sense of this?

It’s one thing to get a phone call in the middle of the night, even when you’ve been waiting for it. But, it’s quite another to sit with and care for one I’m about to lose to the other side of eternity. She’ll see Jesus face-to-Face before I will. Probably.

(photo from elephantjournal.com)

Why can’t it always be a quiet slipping away while wrapped in slumber, dreams and conversations with our Creator?

No, sometimes great pain, discomfort and ugliness, swallowed up in blood and odors and weakness engulf both the one passing and those who love them.

Sleep. No wonder she wants to sleep. Her sleep consumes most of her day and all of her night. Perhaps there she’s able to forget the frustrations and sorrows and fears of her waking moments. When she’s sleeping, no one is trying to coax her to take a sip of water, or nibble on a snack; no one is trying to change her clothes or clean her body; no one is disturbing her peace. In her slumber she’s not forced to see what’s happening to her; she can drift off to another time and place if she chooses. Yes. I think I would sleep, too.

When she’s awake, it’s an effort to smile. I don’t dare ask what she’s thinking. Is she upset because she thinks others have given up on her? Or is she upset because she’s giving up on herself? Is she just annoyed because her body insists she’s tired and needs to be sleeping even more? Is she frustrated with those of us trying to help? Is she angry that this is how her life is ending? Does she wish it would end quickly, or does she grasp for each sunrise, even though she doesn’t seem happy to see it? Is she looking forward to “the other side”? If she is, she doesn’t show it.

(photo from petfinder.com)

She does smile, on occasion; at the sight of her puppy shaking his tail off because he’s so happy to see her – then, even though it’s out of love, he’s in her way. She smiled at the package of cookies a held before her, and then sighed at the chore it became to eat one.

She’s glad to be in her own bed. I ponder over what great solace this brings her, and squirm over the idea that she may not sleep there long. She needs more care than her home environment will allow. Unless, in His mercy, God takes her soon, she may find herself sleeping in a hospital bed or in a care facility of some sort. That, too, will steal any fleeting smile from her lips.

I wrestle with “how would I feel” – but, the truth is, I can’t know how I will feel until I get there. And right now, it doesn’t matter at all how I would feel, what matters is how to comfort her through what she’s feeling. Honestly, I can only imagine what she’s thinking or feeling; I actually have no clue what’s going through her pretty little head.

(Meme from thecaregiverspace.org)

Wait. The pressure in my face is increasing, for some reason the tears that are building up inside there somewhere are being held prisoner. The occasional loss of one tear or two doesn’t help.

Wait. Rest isn’t coming. I need to go home, to my own house, my own bed, the arms of my own husband.

Wait. My own sniffling is driving me crazy. But, I don’t want to disturb her sleep with one of my notorious nose-blowing escapades.

Wait. The flowers around the room don’t bring any cheer to my heart.

Wait. My body can’t decide if it’s hot or cold. The water from my bottle doesn’t satisfy my thirst.

Wait. Listen. Breathe…..Pray.

As I invite the Holy Spirit into the room, into my head, my lungs, and my body – a peace begins to wash over me. Now, yes, now – my tears fall. Something is releasing; something is being freed.

“Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.” Psalm 32:7 (KJV)

Wait. I will wait on God, whether understanding comes with His peace or not. Selah.